Pressure & Sabotage

Ok, I think I'm officially converting to the "LL" side of things.

Anyone else scared?

My Man and I have a significant "anniversary" coming up (as significant as you can get considering we haven't even been together a year yet, so it's not really an "anniversary", lol), and he's starting to try to make plans. He told me that he wants to book a room at a "couples" hotel, which is pretty much geared as a hotel for couples to go to have sex. The rooms have a 24-7 porn channel, hot tubs (built for like 10 people, lol), huge showers, mirrors over the bed, and some even have pools. These rooms were built for sex and lots of it. (Side note: I just realized my description makes it sound like a "swingers" hotel... it's not. I'm sure you could have an amazing time there with a bunch of people, but it's meant for like a couple to share with each other. KWIM?)

So, why am I getting nervous at the idea of this?

I mean, my heart is really beating fast right now, and not out of happiness or good excitement. I like the idea of these rooms, and one of my exes and I used to go there all the damn time. But, I already feel this pressure or expectation of what needs to happen that night to avoid some drama with him. I feel like if I don't do "x", "y" and "z" with him "v" many times, he's going to be disappointed, and this might start a fight. I just don't feel relaxed about this idea, for some reason.

As an aside: last week, we tried anal with the anal-eeze. Now, neither one of us is some anal expert, but I still wanted to try and it was obvious he did, too. There was no alcohol involved, but even using the anal-eeze, it still hurt so fucking much. I really couldn't take it. He could get inside of me, but right after that, I immediately would want him out - it was just too damn painful. I am really believing my body is just not made for it. He seemed genuinely happy that I wanted to try it, and that I did try it, but you could also tell he was somewhat disappointed he didn't really get to do it, and now, I feel guilty about it. I think part of me is worried that him getting this room somehow transfers to "he wants to try anal again that night" and it makes me nervous. And, he hasn't been a jerk about the anal or even brought it up since then, so I really think this is all a mental thing on my end.

I think that for some strange reason, I'm trying to sabotage this relationship. Don't ask me why, but I'm really starting to see it. He'll put it out there that he thinks I'm picking fights or reading too far into things or just not being agreeable, and I'll always deny it to him, but I think that deep down, I am really doing that. WHY? He is absolutely the best thing to have ever happened to me, and he really does love me for who I am, but I give him no credit at all sometimes, and I truly seem to be acting a fool about this relationship sometimes. Why? Why? Why? I feel like I'm always trying to find something wrong with our relationship instead of just accepting things for how they are. It's almost like I like a little bit of drama. I just don't understand why I'm doing this, even though most of it is just me doing it in my head. Is this nuts or what?