I figured that while I'm waiting for the May flowers to appear (after all of this damn rain we've had), I'd write a post.
Things are pretty uneventful around here. Life is really good and I, honestly, have no complaints - besides the complaints that the rest of the nation has, namely about money. But, even with that, no real complaints. Winning the lottery would be nice, but I guess I need to play it in order to have a chance to win. I digress.
In about a month, I'll have officially been dating My Man for a year. Crazy, right? I was talking to a friend on Facebook (I think I need a 12-step program, I'm so addicted to it), and realized that I'd met him exactly a year ago. It amazes me how much my life has changed in a year!
I'm really struggling to find things to write about here, lol.
Well, I started planting some gardens at the house I share with My Man. Thanks to Mr. Joe Flirt, I got some great ideas and planted some summer blooming flowers and bushes. Nothing crazy, just something for me to start out with and build upon each year. I also ordered some fall bulbs (for spring blooming) and I'm plotting where they will go when they arrive. It's just something new that I want to get into, and I've been enjoying it. I've never considered myself an outdoorsy person, but My Man is, and I'm finding that I actually like it. You want to know how I knew that I liked it? I didn't mind being dirty, lol. That includes dirt under my nails (gross!) LOL. We've been working on ideas for the backyard, including a deck and a patio.
Let's see, what else... I've started working out again. When I was planning my exit with my ex that was the inspiration for the "He Doesn't Want Me" blog, I started working out hardcore - god, that was about... 3 years ago. Wow. Anyway, I got really into the gym. I hired a personal trainer, I started Weight Watchers, and man, I looked amazing. I was about 35lbs lighter than I am now. I'm not trying to get down that skinny again (I was a little too skinny in my own mind), but I'm really looking to get in shape again. I have a family history of heart disease/diabetes/etc. and I already have hypertension. Not a good thing. My slow thyroid is not helping me in this process, but I'd really just like to be watching what I'm eating more and stay with the lifting weights. I have what is considered a "large frame" as per my doctors, so I'll never be supermodel skinny, which is totally cool with me, but I just want to be healthier. I could be making babies in a few years and even though it's kind of far down the line, I want to be in the best shape I can be for that, and for my future.
We basically have a home gym in the basement, so that makes things really easy. We have a weight bench (I'm looking at buying him a new one for our anniversary next month), a pulley system, a rowing machine (I bought it for him for Valentine's Day), a treadmill and lots of free weights. I love working out with him, and it leads to some really fun times during/after. ;) We started this workout routine with a huge Swiss ball (I think that's what it is called?) that he got from Men's Health or something... and it's been alot of fun.
We are going on our first real vacation together in the summer. I planned a trip as a surprise for his birthday, and I'm super excited. I think he knows we are going somewhere, but he doesn't know where or anything. I feel so sneaky, lol.
The sex stuff hasn't really been an issue at all recently. Lots of amazing sex, lots of places, lots of variety. Cannot complain. He even remarked yesterday that when we get a bigger house, he wants a room dedicated just to sex stuff, lol (like the swing I bought and the Liberator furniture).
Well, I guess that's enough for now. Hope everyone is doing well! :)
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
I've seen many people mention the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" on their blogs - most namely, some of my favorite male bloggers who are in marriages or relationships where there is a sexual discord. I've read reviews on the book and have been really curious about it, so a couple of weeks ago, I ordered it.
The book is an easy read, and some of the stories are funny - I guess you need to be an outside person to see how outrageous some of the wives are in their marriage. Overall, the book focuses on the idea that women today don't know how to treat their man, that alot of the women of the older generations had a better idea and a better thing going by concentrating on their families (and their man!) instead of themselves and their careers.
Now, she doesn't outright bash working moms, but the overall theme is that the woman's place is at home, cooking and cleaning for her family. I get that, really, I do. But with today's economy, alot of people are in a 2-income household. She feels that women having been getting too many feminist messages growing up and this is screwing up their marriages. (Side note: I grew up in a household where my mom was career oriented and did not stay home with us, so I am a product of that type of environment.)
I kept reading this book, at times becoming infuriated at what she said, but in the end, I knew she was right. My man is one of those men who wants to "be the man in his house" and wants me to cook, clean, and dote on him. He has specific gender roles in his head (being the product of a house where that worked) and is struggling with how things are. I found myself to be like the women she talked about in her book - insecure, needy, nagging, and self-centered. (The biggest difference between the women she cited in the book and me is the whole withholding sex thing. I love sex far too much to withhold it, and to me, it would never be a bargaining chip. I'm always "warm, willing, and eager" for my man.)
What an eye opener.
So, over the past week or so, I've been doing what Dr. Laura suggests. I put my man first, I put our home first... and he's putting me first and doing things I used to have to nag him to do. Now, let's not act like this is some overnight transformation and suddenly, I've got Mr. Perfect living in my house, that's not how it is... but there is a marked difference in things. I feel like her philosophy could truly work, at least in my relationship. I'm just having a hard time with some of the mentality and some of the ideas of it - namely that I do all the work to be what he wants and that he should just have a lightbulb moment and then do what I want. I don't want to control him, and I don't want him to control me, but I also don't want to feel like I'm bending to be who he wants - if that makes any sense at all.
Overall, I liked the book. I could think of a few of my blogger buddys' wives who should be picking this book up and reading it... it puts alot of things into perspective about both the man's and the woman's roles in the relationship and the household.
The book is an easy read, and some of the stories are funny - I guess you need to be an outside person to see how outrageous some of the wives are in their marriage. Overall, the book focuses on the idea that women today don't know how to treat their man, that alot of the women of the older generations had a better idea and a better thing going by concentrating on their families (and their man!) instead of themselves and their careers.
Now, she doesn't outright bash working moms, but the overall theme is that the woman's place is at home, cooking and cleaning for her family. I get that, really, I do. But with today's economy, alot of people are in a 2-income household. She feels that women having been getting too many feminist messages growing up and this is screwing up their marriages. (Side note: I grew up in a household where my mom was career oriented and did not stay home with us, so I am a product of that type of environment.)
I kept reading this book, at times becoming infuriated at what she said, but in the end, I knew she was right. My man is one of those men who wants to "be the man in his house" and wants me to cook, clean, and dote on him. He has specific gender roles in his head (being the product of a house where that worked) and is struggling with how things are. I found myself to be like the women she talked about in her book - insecure, needy, nagging, and self-centered. (The biggest difference between the women she cited in the book and me is the whole withholding sex thing. I love sex far too much to withhold it, and to me, it would never be a bargaining chip. I'm always "warm, willing, and eager" for my man.)
What an eye opener.
So, over the past week or so, I've been doing what Dr. Laura suggests. I put my man first, I put our home first... and he's putting me first and doing things I used to have to nag him to do. Now, let's not act like this is some overnight transformation and suddenly, I've got Mr. Perfect living in my house, that's not how it is... but there is a marked difference in things. I feel like her philosophy could truly work, at least in my relationship. I'm just having a hard time with some of the mentality and some of the ideas of it - namely that I do all the work to be what he wants and that he should just have a lightbulb moment and then do what I want. I don't want to control him, and I don't want him to control me, but I also don't want to feel like I'm bending to be who he wants - if that makes any sense at all.
Overall, I liked the book. I could think of a few of my blogger buddys' wives who should be picking this book up and reading it... it puts alot of things into perspective about both the man's and the woman's roles in the relationship and the household.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
On testosterone and colonoscopies...
I finally found out the culprit of my boyfriend's weird sex drive and sometime moodiness - his workout supplements. After getting into ANOTHER "discussion" about my unhappiness with our sex life, he came clean - he's been cycling some testosterone supplements and other pills for his workouts (all legal, I promise lol) and that's why things have been off. He said he does notice a difference in his sex drive and his mood when he's cycling that shit, and he said he won't do it anymore. I said that I'm not willing to sacrifice our sex life and our relationship so that he can have bigger arms, lol.
Oh, and to ensure this, I hid his pills this morning, lol.
In other news, I've had some health issues and am now scheduled for a colonoscopy on the 30th. I am less than thrilled about this, lol.
Oh, and to ensure this, I hid his pills this morning, lol.
In other news, I've had some health issues and am now scheduled for a colonoscopy on the 30th. I am less than thrilled about this, lol.
Monday, February 23, 2009
It's SO cold out
I'm typically a fan of cold weather, as long as there is snow involved, but I'm totally over these blustery winds and cold temperatures.
Things with the boyfriend are moving right along. Sometimes I feel like we are a little too alike for our own good - we are both Cancers and both have very similar natures about us, even though a lot of times we don't even realize it.
I'm still feeling less than thrilled about the state of our sex life. He has no issue going a week (or more) without it, whereas I'm crawling up the walls after 2 or 3 days. There are weeks where he seemingly wants it every day, and others where he could care less. The weeks where he doesn't really seem as interested leave me back in a place I'm all too familiar with - insecurity, jealousy, and thoughts of cheating. It is THE worst... but then the next week, he'll seem highly interested again and I feel happy and secure again. The sexual roller coaster does nothing for me... and sometimes I swear he does it on purpose, as some sort of punishment.
Things with the boyfriend are moving right along. Sometimes I feel like we are a little too alike for our own good - we are both Cancers and both have very similar natures about us, even though a lot of times we don't even realize it.
I'm still feeling less than thrilled about the state of our sex life. He has no issue going a week (or more) without it, whereas I'm crawling up the walls after 2 or 3 days. There are weeks where he seemingly wants it every day, and others where he could care less. The weeks where he doesn't really seem as interested leave me back in a place I'm all too familiar with - insecurity, jealousy, and thoughts of cheating. It is THE worst... but then the next week, he'll seem highly interested again and I feel happy and secure again. The sexual roller coaster does nothing for me... and sometimes I swear he does it on purpose, as some sort of punishment.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Restrictions?
I'm reading alot from other bloggers about restrictions that their partner puts on them sexually. No this, no that, don't touch here, etc.
I've recently been complaining to My Man about a restriction he puts on our sex life. No oral sex for me. He's only ever done it to me once, and that was before we had had sex or anything.
One night I came to his house after being out with some girlfriends. Out of nowhere, he just started going down on me. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not even really a huge fan of it - it's hard for me to feel comfortable enough to really enjoy it - and sure enough, that's what happened that night. After he did it for awhile, I kept trying to convince him to have sex with me but he didn't want to, and he just kind of stopped. And for a few days after that, he seemed mad at me. I found out later that he felt sort of embarassed that I didn't come and I wasn't very vocal while he was doing it. I tried explaining to him that it was hard for me to feel comfortable enough to enjoy it so early in the relationship and without us having had sex before (for some reason, after I've had sex with someone, I'm more comfortable about it). He seemed ok about it, but since then, he has not even ventured towards that area with his face at all.
For the past month or so, I've been bringing it up. If he asks me to go down on him, I'll bring up the fact he doesn't do it to me. Sometimes, I'll still do it (because I love doing it to him), but more often than not, I won't, just out of principle. Like I said, I'm not a huge fan, but the fact he won't even try makes me not want to do anything he wants. I'm just not sure where to go with this, because me bringing it up and denying him something he wants obviously isn't working... still no oral for me.
I've recently been complaining to My Man about a restriction he puts on our sex life. No oral sex for me. He's only ever done it to me once, and that was before we had had sex or anything.
One night I came to his house after being out with some girlfriends. Out of nowhere, he just started going down on me. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not even really a huge fan of it - it's hard for me to feel comfortable enough to really enjoy it - and sure enough, that's what happened that night. After he did it for awhile, I kept trying to convince him to have sex with me but he didn't want to, and he just kind of stopped. And for a few days after that, he seemed mad at me. I found out later that he felt sort of embarassed that I didn't come and I wasn't very vocal while he was doing it. I tried explaining to him that it was hard for me to feel comfortable enough to enjoy it so early in the relationship and without us having had sex before (for some reason, after I've had sex with someone, I'm more comfortable about it). He seemed ok about it, but since then, he has not even ventured towards that area with his face at all.
For the past month or so, I've been bringing it up. If he asks me to go down on him, I'll bring up the fact he doesn't do it to me. Sometimes, I'll still do it (because I love doing it to him), but more often than not, I won't, just out of principle. Like I said, I'm not a huge fan, but the fact he won't even try makes me not want to do anything he wants. I'm just not sure where to go with this, because me bringing it up and denying him something he wants obviously isn't working... still no oral for me.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Well, some things
Things with My Man and I have been great since the big chat last week. We had another great weekend, only this time, he was sick. He actually stayed home sick from work today, too. Last night we were lying on the couch, watching a movie (Walk Hard - do not waste your time, lol), and I was tweezing his eyebrows... he said how much he loves when I do stuff like that for him. It kind of cracks me up, he's like a little kid, he likes a lot of attention paid to him.
I'm worried I'm having a problem with my vision. I've been getting headaches almost every single day, mostly noticeable when I'm at work. I had upgraded to a larger computer monitor, thinking that would help, but I'm still getting horrible headaches. I don't feel like I'm straining or anything, but who knows.
Also, my period never came this month. This happened to me a few months ago... I was really stressed out with work and what not, didn't get my period, so I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I got my period the next month like clockwork. I'm hoping I'm dealing with the same issue and am not pregnant. :-O
I'm worried I'm having a problem with my vision. I've been getting headaches almost every single day, mostly noticeable when I'm at work. I had upgraded to a larger computer monitor, thinking that would help, but I'm still getting horrible headaches. I don't feel like I'm straining or anything, but who knows.
Also, my period never came this month. This happened to me a few months ago... I was really stressed out with work and what not, didn't get my period, so I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I got my period the next month like clockwork. I'm hoping I'm dealing with the same issue and am not pregnant. :-O
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
What a way to wake up
Last night, I was working my part-time job and wasn't due home until 10. During work, My Man started text messaging me, saying that we needed to talk about things when I got home. We went back and forth for a few hours and I generally was not pleased about the outcome of the messages, namely, him saying that I may not like what he has to say during the conversation and that afterwards, we may not be together anymore.
I came home from work and he was already in bed. I figured it was another avoider game, but then he woke up and had me do some of our bedtime routine. He turned off all the lights and we laid down... then he said he didn't want to talk right now, but rather in the morning. I was not happy. I was so stressed out and worried about things that I had to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep.
This morning, he woke me up after he got out of the shower and said it was time for the talk. He started out by saying that he hates that I have 'all these guys' text messaging me 'all the time'. Truth of the matter is that yes, in the beginning of our relationship, I still kept in contact with some of my exes and guys from my past. But once he let me know the first time that it bothered him, I stopped contacting them at all. (I know that I have some unhealthy habits related to some of them and, for the first time, I didn't want them to tarnish a relationship.) The only guys who text message me now are work related, and it's strictly work related talk, besides the text messaging with my friend "Tim" about the formal dinner this past weekend... and even that was just about the dinner. I told him that for the past couple of days, I've been turning my phone off when I've been home (because he hates 'our time' being interrupted by the cell phone always ringing), but he wouldn't have noticed because he's been ignoring me.
The conversation continued while I was in the shower, and it then jumped to the fact that I need to take more 'ownership' of things around the house, and need to clean more. He said that cooking, doing the laundry, and doing the dishes doesn't get me out of cleaning more - like dusting and vacuuming and what not. And I'll be honest here... growing up, my mom hardly ever vacuumed or dusted or any of that stuff - my mom worked a 40+ hour a week job and had 4 kids - taking care of us and making a living were her priority and maybe some of that has trickled down to me. I work 60+ hours a week (which is 20 or more hours a week more than he works) and housework is not at the top of my priority list. I cook for him every day and do the kitchen stuff and laundry, but I'll admit, I pretty much stop there. Like I said, it's just not a priority to me. Plus, I know that not cleaning up is one way to get to him. Passive aggressive? Absolutely. But ignoring me is no better on his part. He doesn't care if I ignore him, he doesn't care if I go out on my own or anything, not cleaning up is my only way to really get at him. He didn't really want to understand that.
The conversation then shifted to me being defensive when he tries to talk to me and not just listening to him. He said I spend the whole conversation defending myself instead of hearing out what he has to say and just taking it in and being like "Ok, Boyfriend's name." He's right. I'll admit it, I do do that... and I do that with everyone. He's not an exclusive member of the club, lol. But in the same token, we only have this huge discussions when HE has an issue, so of course, I'm going to always be defensive in these sorts of conversations. If it's always about things I'm doing wrong, and things I'm doing that upset him, a defense is the best offense, no?
He said he doesn't discuss things with me and instead ignores me because of how our conversations go. I get defensive and I get upset and hysterically crying, and it doesn't accomplish anything except making him feel horrible for making me that way. He said he'd rather squash whatever is making him made, keep it inside, and either (a) hope that I magically figure out what's wrong or (b) just keep telling me nothing is wrong and ignore me until he 'gets over it'.
He also said that his initial plan was to ignore me until I got so mad that I just decided to leave and move out. This just pretty much threw me over the edge... for so many reasons (obviously) but mainly because I straight up asked him if that was what he was doing and he kept telling me no... making me feel like I was crazy. He said that that was his plan but he loves me so much and loves where things are going that he just had to talk to me to get it out so we can go back to how we normally are. (The thing is, even though he thinks I don't listen during these discussions, I hear everything he says and I always make the reasonable changes that he wants... and he knows this.)
I was absolutely hysterical and crying at this point, and kept fixating on the fact that he wanted me to leave, that whatever he was mad about was so bad that he wanted to end it instead of talking to me about it and trying to fix things. He got upset because he said I was concentrating so hard on such a small part of the conversation, and that obviously, he really wasn't willing to let me go because we are having the conversation right now.
Yeah, not so comforting to me at that point.
He told me that with his ex, he was just like me - that he would get defensive and he would get upset and that he wouldn't really listen... and look what happened to them. He didn't want that to happen to us and just wanted us to be happy.
I felt better after the conversation (at least the air is cleared) but I'm not really sure how we proceed from here. I'm not sure that I can really change my 'argument style', just like it doesn't really seem like he can change his ignoring style (even though he said he knows it's wrong to be that way and he has been trying to change... he says it's a defense mechanism.)
I came home from work and he was already in bed. I figured it was another avoider game, but then he woke up and had me do some of our bedtime routine. He turned off all the lights and we laid down... then he said he didn't want to talk right now, but rather in the morning. I was not happy. I was so stressed out and worried about things that I had to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep.
This morning, he woke me up after he got out of the shower and said it was time for the talk. He started out by saying that he hates that I have 'all these guys' text messaging me 'all the time'. Truth of the matter is that yes, in the beginning of our relationship, I still kept in contact with some of my exes and guys from my past. But once he let me know the first time that it bothered him, I stopped contacting them at all. (I know that I have some unhealthy habits related to some of them and, for the first time, I didn't want them to tarnish a relationship.) The only guys who text message me now are work related, and it's strictly work related talk, besides the text messaging with my friend "Tim" about the formal dinner this past weekend... and even that was just about the dinner. I told him that for the past couple of days, I've been turning my phone off when I've been home (because he hates 'our time' being interrupted by the cell phone always ringing), but he wouldn't have noticed because he's been ignoring me.
The conversation continued while I was in the shower, and it then jumped to the fact that I need to take more 'ownership' of things around the house, and need to clean more. He said that cooking, doing the laundry, and doing the dishes doesn't get me out of cleaning more - like dusting and vacuuming and what not. And I'll be honest here... growing up, my mom hardly ever vacuumed or dusted or any of that stuff - my mom worked a 40+ hour a week job and had 4 kids - taking care of us and making a living were her priority and maybe some of that has trickled down to me. I work 60+ hours a week (which is 20 or more hours a week more than he works) and housework is not at the top of my priority list. I cook for him every day and do the kitchen stuff and laundry, but I'll admit, I pretty much stop there. Like I said, it's just not a priority to me. Plus, I know that not cleaning up is one way to get to him. Passive aggressive? Absolutely. But ignoring me is no better on his part. He doesn't care if I ignore him, he doesn't care if I go out on my own or anything, not cleaning up is my only way to really get at him. He didn't really want to understand that.
The conversation then shifted to me being defensive when he tries to talk to me and not just listening to him. He said I spend the whole conversation defending myself instead of hearing out what he has to say and just taking it in and being like "Ok, Boyfriend's name." He's right. I'll admit it, I do do that... and I do that with everyone. He's not an exclusive member of the club, lol. But in the same token, we only have this huge discussions when HE has an issue, so of course, I'm going to always be defensive in these sorts of conversations. If it's always about things I'm doing wrong, and things I'm doing that upset him, a defense is the best offense, no?
He said he doesn't discuss things with me and instead ignores me because of how our conversations go. I get defensive and I get upset and hysterically crying, and it doesn't accomplish anything except making him feel horrible for making me that way. He said he'd rather squash whatever is making him made, keep it inside, and either (a) hope that I magically figure out what's wrong or (b) just keep telling me nothing is wrong and ignore me until he 'gets over it'.
He also said that his initial plan was to ignore me until I got so mad that I just decided to leave and move out. This just pretty much threw me over the edge... for so many reasons (obviously) but mainly because I straight up asked him if that was what he was doing and he kept telling me no... making me feel like I was crazy. He said that that was his plan but he loves me so much and loves where things are going that he just had to talk to me to get it out so we can go back to how we normally are. (The thing is, even though he thinks I don't listen during these discussions, I hear everything he says and I always make the reasonable changes that he wants... and he knows this.)
I was absolutely hysterical and crying at this point, and kept fixating on the fact that he wanted me to leave, that whatever he was mad about was so bad that he wanted to end it instead of talking to me about it and trying to fix things. He got upset because he said I was concentrating so hard on such a small part of the conversation, and that obviously, he really wasn't willing to let me go because we are having the conversation right now.
Yeah, not so comforting to me at that point.
He told me that with his ex, he was just like me - that he would get defensive and he would get upset and that he wouldn't really listen... and look what happened to them. He didn't want that to happen to us and just wanted us to be happy.
I felt better after the conversation (at least the air is cleared) but I'm not really sure how we proceed from here. I'm not sure that I can really change my 'argument style', just like it doesn't really seem like he can change his ignoring style (even though he said he knows it's wrong to be that way and he has been trying to change... he says it's a defense mechanism.)
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